It is 2003 and I see it for the first time. I am not excited. Although this is something that I need, no, it is more than that, it is something that I cannot live without, it is not a happy day. I do not want a new one. I was happy with my old one but it no longer functions as intended, so I must.
It was 1993 when I bought my first one and I had no idea what impact it would have on my life. I was 28. My life was not turning out like I had planned. From the outside looking in, it all looked good, but inside things were a mess.
I came across it in a store one day, not sure that I really needed it. But I bought it anyway. It was like a stranger at first; cold and unfamiliar. I did not know it, and it did not know me. But as time went by, we began a journey together. And it became like a friend. It comforted me when I was alone and down. There were some dark days when life threw me some hard curves, and it was there by my side. I was surely a fair weather friend. When times were good, I ignored it and it gathered dust. But it was always there, waiting for me to reach out. Only during the hardest times would I pay attention to it. If I have learned one thing; it is that I am a slow learner. But I did learn eventually. It taught me a lot. Not all at once, but little by little. As I matured, I began to trust it. And the more I trusted it, the more valuable it became. It didn’t fall apart all at once, but slowly over a few years, until I couldn’t hold it in one piece anymore. My heart was heavy; it would have to be retired. I was sure I would never feel the same way about another. My heart was tethered to it; we had been through so much together.
It is 2014, and I am here again. At the same crossroads I was at in 2003. My second one has been everything that my first one was, and I do not want to replace it. But it is beginning to fall apart. Luckily it is still in one piece, but it won’t be long. When they are new, we are like strangers. But over time, they become a part of me, and it hurts to let them go. Not that I ever completely let them go. My first one is still by my bed, in pieces, but not far from where I sleep each night.
How does one explain such a profound feeling about an inanimate object? It is so much more to me than just a book. It is everything to me; like air, I must have it to live. It is my bible.
And so, I will get another new one. I must.